The Hypocrite...humbled.

The Hypocrite…Humbled.
Wow. I can’t even begin to describe the things that happened in my life tonight. First off, I discovered I was a hypocrite. Secondly, I was humbled. Completely and thoroughly in front of the throne through our worship night.
Let’s begin at the beginning.

Today we had to write a paper. We were asked to take a character of the bible (either Abraham, Saul, or David) and write about 3 things in their life that can be used for our own spiritual walk.
I chose Abraham, and talked about how God called Abraham to be obedient, even when it hurt. This is what I wrote:

From the lessons that I have learned through Abraham’s story, I realized there are things in my life that need to change in order to follow Christ in the way He desires for me to follow. First off, I need to learn to listen and wait for God’s guidance instead of going and doing what I believe to be right. When Abraham left Haran, he left and went where God told him. However, he did not stay there, and made a wrong turn into Egypt. I need to work on going exactly where he wants me to go, and make sure that I follow that route exactly the way His map points out for me. If it says “go four miles, turn right.” I need to go four miles and turn right. Not go four miles, then take a left. In our lives we cannot see the full picture of our life and what God has in store for us. We are like a paint-by-numbers masterpiece, where we can only see one color at a time. God however, designed the painting. He knows exactly where each color will go and how they will fit together perfectly to create an image made in the likeness of Christ. I need to work on painting my picture exactly by the directions Christ has written out for me, and not getting ahead of myself and painting the wrong pictures different than what he was made for me.

When we were heading out to worship night, I got an email saying that I would not be able to work in the Ark this summer. I had previously received an email saying there was no place for me in the Meadow either. For those of you who know me, you know that the Meadow is my favorite place. I would spend every summer for the rest of my life working there if I could. To find this out was like getting a knife in my stomach. The first reaction I had was anger. I’m a Hume-kid! I have first dibs over jobs! This is how I entered into worship night. Angry and bitter over something that isn’t even mine to control. Then God broke me. Immediately I burst into tears. I was a hypocrite. What had I just written about? Oh yeah, going EXACTLY where God tells me, even when I can’t see where that is. God had just given me the perfect place and way to exercise this and I failed. I was not like Abraham, who went up and left. I was the hypocrite who said things that I did not mean. Someone who would rather hold on tightly to the things I hold dear instead of giving them up to God, who can take far better care of them than I can.

I have so much more to learn. So much more to be broken about. So much more to be humbled by. I keep saying that I’m not ready to go home, I haven’t changed enough yet. Capernwray is not the place where you are significantly changed. Bowing down at the foot of a cruel and wicked cross where my Savior, bruised and broken hung for a poor, hypocritical, lustful, manipulative, sinful, lying, cheating testament of un-worthiness, seeing no greater love no I can ever know, mercy so underserved, freedom I should not know, THAT is where change happens. THAT is where God takes broken things and makes them new. THAT is where I am grown. THAT is where the painful process of being more and more like Jesus happens. THAT is where I need to find myself everyday.
So here I am. January 22^nd, 2011. Bowing down at the feet of who deserves all that I am, all that I will be, all that he made me to be. The hypocrite, humbled.